Posts tagged ‘travel’

The Life of the Party (I’m dying inside) Ch. 1

I saw her walk in the entrance to the party and she looked like a gypsy queen high off of the greenest trees and the strongest liquid spirits.  When she walked into the room, it was almost as if the music stopped and the crowd froze.  She pulled a long blue cylinder out of her crocheted purse that was comfortably saddled across her body.  The container had a sudsy solution in it.  She then began to dance simultaneously with her beautiful friend who had a similar object in her hand. Their movements were extravagant and thoughtfully executed as they moved to the tunes of the latest Jamaican artists that were belting through the speakers.  The gypsy queen had on a long-sleeved midriff top of many fabrics that tied in the front.  Her skirt was sheer and flowing with her every movement.  She opened her blue container and took a deep breath and then blew bubbles throughout the party, her friend instantaneously did the same.  The party was their playground and we were just props in their world of freedom and fun.  I admired them for being so wild and free. They were entertaining, they were comfortable, so why was I so uneasy?

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Before I got dressed to go the party, I was laying on my patio floor on my yoga mat looking up at the night sky and smoking a spliff so big that from a distance could have been mistaken for a cigar.  I contemplated if I should be going out because my anxiety was getting the best of me, then the questions poured in and began to suffocate me. Is my outfit trendy enough? What if I don’t like the vibe and I’m not driving in my own car so I won’t be able to leave right away if I wanted to? Omg, I can’t breathe.  What if my cycle started while I’m wearing these bright colors?  I was literally talking myself out of going, and plus I was zooted and paranoid.  This string of weed would be my last that’s for sure because I was royally tripping. I’m a hippie and that comes with the territory, my territory... high nights and euphoric daze.  I was lying on the floor and slowly driving myself into a thinking frenzy.  Jade called me up and said she was hosting a party for the radio station and suggested that I come through, spread positive vibes, touch the mic, and mingle with the people.  In my mind I saw how beautiful this night could be; us dancing throughout the party, flirting with strangers, men and women alike and simply existing.  A part of me loved the idea and then there was that part of me that swallowed the entire idea only for it to lodge in my throat and nauseate me.  I started talking myself through my truth and as usual it hurt like hell.  Me to myself: “You do understand that your self-inflicted pain is a direct result of you being worried about what other people may think of you right? You do understand that you are fucking awesome and full of love and light right? You do understand that if you spend one more night in your comfort zone you might as well end it all because your life should not be calculated based on what society’s idea of life is right? I was coaching myself and per normal it gradually got me back on track.  Right before my next thought was able to seep through, in the distance in the most yawdie high-pitched tone I cringed and heard, “Queen are you still on the fucking phone? Bring yuh rass!” I didn’t even realize that I ventured off into my mind mid-convo with Jade.  SMH I told her I was sorry and that I’ll go.  I turned on Pandora to my Ty Dolla Sign station and Chris Brown’s, “Freaky Friday” came on, it immediately put me in a happier mood.  I grabbed the ½ empty bottle of red wine from the fridge and danced all the way to my closet.  As I stood in front of the closet it became apparent that I’ve given most of my clothes away to charity and have nothing to wear.  This is the same conclusion that I come to every time I have to go somewhere but always somehow manage to make it work.  I got dressed, chugged the rest of the wine and drove to Jade’s house.  She was already in the parking lot leaning on her car tapping her feet as if I was late or some shit.  I pulled up next to her, stuck my head out the window and asked, “You selling I’m buying wassup?” She laughed and said, “Jump in bitch we out.” I retorted, “Stop calling me bitch we talked about this.” She responded, “My bad queen.” Then added, “I like this queen shit ya know? It’s taking some adjusting but I dig it, just wanted you to know that.” I plopped down in the passenger side of her car, paused and stared at her. I scanned her face for sarcasm, nothing there so I responded, “Good. Roll up.”

The party was in Miami, an outside event with a long ass line wrapped around the establishment.  The minute I saw the line I wanted to abort the mission but I knew it was too late now and Jade would be pissed.  We parked in her reserved spot that was dead in front of the crowd, I just wanted to melt into a cool liquid and slither down the nearest drain.  I hit the blunt two times which seemed like a bad idea at first because it only made me feel more anxious and jittery.  I had a personal bottle of patron silver in my purse so I took 3 shots and I was good then I passed the bottle to Jade and she did the same.  As we walked to the front of the line, I lagged behind a little taking in the scenery, the scents, the sounds, and the people.  I was high and tipsy and so grateful for the feeling so I immediately began thanking the universe for this feeling with a soft whisper under my breath.   I chanted, “thank you thank you thank you for this feeling,” over and over again because this could have easily been a major deal of me losing it internally and no one would have had the slightest clue.  When we got to the entrance we showed our passes and walked in.  As soon as I walked in this tall lanky chic with knees that touched, pale skin and skinny dreads tugged at my purse. I abruptly turned around and…

Keep it locked for the next chapter, all of the chapters will be incomplete so I trust that you will return to see what happens next.  The story will grow until it ends. I appreciate you for reading, love and light.

#TRIBE

 

Man I gotta go.

As the tears roll down my face…I refuse to smile. Life did no wrong to me. It’s been pretty damn good to me actually. I put a lot of positive energy in the universe, I pray hard, even when my faith is tested and I reside on the grounds of solitude. Is my happiness living within the depths of my hope? Or in the hopes of my depth..no I’m not suicidal..so please don’t intervene. *looks down & smiles* Still trying to get my ducks in a row…most times I just wanna keep em all fucked up and let em do what they want..organized thought processing is all I need…an organized predicable life is what I’m afraid of.  My back is against the wall which indicates to me that I’m doing something right…It amazes me that my life is so much like the functionality of a used car on the road to recovery.  Every time you fix something on it, everything else falls apart around it.  I admire my struggle because it’s always something lol It’s to the point where I’d look up to the sky and I’m like, “Really God? Really though??” And simply smile & walk it off.  My purpose here is evident but my ability to sustain seems a bit…special.  I ain’t gon’ front though my heart is in pain…I don’t know if this is the after effects of  a broken heart or too many damn cigars, nowadays the effects all feel the same.  I’m still here though…living & maintaining.  I work so hard at most things…and whatever it is that doesn’t really hold much significance, I sleep on…for example, negativity & ig’nant ahh niggas. Lol It’s early & I don’t have anything deep to say, I’m not digging deep today, it’s too early… and I’m so sure of what I’m searching for.  I just need time away. It’s crazy how I can sit down with a kindred spirit & discuss the world & it’s affect on us as individuals, indulge in irrational solutions for laughs, & then finally laying back & saying absolutely nothing…entertaining silence; but cannot muster enough words to make an impressionable statement to the one that I’m slowly loving to hate.  It’s crazy how you can put your ALL in for a cause & still not produce a significant amount of an effect to inspire you to keep going.  I suppose if the benefits aren’t what we anticipated it doesn’t count as a benefit huh? I’m restless. I’m hurting. I have an obligation to me..and that’s to sustain, and it’s hard at times because it’ll be too damn easy to do just that…and deep down everyone isn’t rooting for your happiness.  Most times people don’t even give a fuck if it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Selfish. Anything that I allow myself to go through is merely to sharpen the effect of my understanding.  I try to go through most things so that I can understand them…write em down…read em…study em…let em go. My mind as you see it is in stable condition, but it’s rendering at critical mass.  What time is it? Man I gotta go. I must leave. I gotta clear it in so many ways than one.  Growth.

~The Lyricist
Release Me

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