Posts tagged ‘thoughts’

My Present To Me…

The New Year is here! Love and light to me for stating the obvious and love and light to all the people that feel the new sense of purpose.  Waiting on the New Year to cut people off and start new ventures is a bit shady but if that’s what’s working for folk by all means do what you gotta do.  I’m living in the now so the moment is very much so my present to me and it surprises me every time and I appreciate my life for that.  My past is behind me and barely fixated on my mind and I appreciate my resilience for that.  My future is hopeful and as long as I play well with my presence I know I’ll appreciate my gifts for that.  😉

Maturity is achieved with time and understanding.  Some people simulate maturity while others actually take the time to see a situation through, accept it for what it is, learn from it, become more knowledgeable and an asset to their own life and others.  The older I get the more I realize that the quality of the life that I’m living is not in what I have or what I’m missing, but in what I appreciate and what I’m giving.

I’m so inspired.  I see with my eyes opened and feel with my palms to the sky, as genuine feelings are ordained by the heavens and considerately assigned to the heart.  I’m so grateful for the people in my life.  I’m so grateful for the experiences that I’ve been through and the ones to come.  Life inspires me and I’m forever grateful for it.

Love and Light

~The Lyricist
#TRIBE

Fairy Tale Personalities & Whimsical Lifestyles…

I’m still trying to process the fact that almost every single piece of communication is done electronically:  Email, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, text, to name a few.  So you can see why I may feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I don’t go out much but don’t want my love connection to spark via internet.  It’s crazy because although I feel most comfortable being by myself nothing beats having a spiritual and emotional connection with someone else.  The age we’re in now with technology people can alter who they are and portray whatever they recognize your type to be.  For instance, on my Instagram I give the impression that I’m an earthy, goofy, fit, beach-loving, lyricist and that’s indeed what I am and so much more.  So I’ve had people approach me in a manner to accommodate these things.  I’ve been working on my trust issues and I’ve been speaking to different people more and I must admit there’s a diverse, beautiful world out there.  There’s also a community of losers who pride themselves on how quickly they can smooze you into believing their fairytale personalities and whimsical lifestyles.  So not only do I have to take people for who they are, virtually, but I have to have the sense enough to decipher who’s real and who’s fake.  This electronic connecting shit is nothing compared to face-to-face interaction.

Within a couple moments of meeting a person I can pick up on their true intentions.  Body language, tone of voice, handshake, conversational content, smiles or the lack thereof, it’s all a direct giveaway of a person’s true intentions.  I’m curious to know the first person EVER who went online, created a profile, posted a fictitious bio and misleading pictures, sent a confident message and then waited and felt okay within him/herself during all of this.  Lol Where did the real go? Where did authentication go? It’s gotten to a point where I sit back at times and look at the world through trinoculars and all I see are avatars and you never really know who’s operating that avatar.

So how exactly and why exactly should you trust that what someone is saying online is actually what the deal is? You don’t.  What you do is you trust your intuition to separate the two. Your first feeling is usually your intuition. Fact is you gotta move with the time and when you meet people whether it be online or in-person and they’re genuine, you thank God and you hold on to em.  Shit the world is all visual now, so when I’m approached online and the obvious is stated I’m neither surprised nor offended…simply aware.  Aware that the time is different and there’s no time to be naïve…also holding fast to the fact that being judgmental won’t help the situation either.  Lol Smfh Life just gets more and more interesting, I swear.

 

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

Am I a lesbian?

Back in the day I had a type.  I was youngER, inexperienced, and believed that I knew exactly what I wanted.  No one couldn’t tell me anything, especially my mama, the woman who told me every damn thing. Lol I took it as a personal challenge to do the complete opposite of every and anything that she asked/told me to do.  As a minor, an advanced minor at that, I’ll say about 15 or 16 years old I knew what kind of boys I was into.  The rules of my single parent household was, “No Boys UNTIL.” Mama knew something that I didn’t, but at 15/16 years old no meant yes and that’s just the way things were for me.  I loved challenges and I still do.  

The other day I went through some old journals that I wrote around that age and it hit me.  I was naive as fuck…that’s how it was for most teenage girls, young and inexperienced. I had this if you screw up once I’m screwing you over twice & it’s over for you indefinitely attitude.  I was attracted to light-skinned dudes and neighborhood thugs. The absence of my father seemed to push me in the direction of everything he wasn’t.  In reality I had no clue what a father’s love truly was and if I did, I didn’t remember. I thought to myself what was my type? I was attracted to boys who gave me a hard time, I figured if he gave me a hard time he truly cared about me and at least he stuck around to give me a hard time.  As time went by I started believing that all the boys were the same so I started dating girls.  Funny thing is at that time I figured I was dating girls to take a break from boys and not because I was getting hurt or played. Reality is a hard check to cash at the Arab store on everything.  Lol

I liked dating women so much that I held on to the lifestyle for about 7 years.  I quit boys then grew into the mindset of not dealing with men either.  I grew into adulthood dating women and never had a serious relationship with a man.  It’s hilarious to me at times when I share with people the very fact that I’ve never had a serious relationship in my adult life with a man before.  Am I a lesbian? No. Am I still dating women? No. Am I still attracted to women? *smiles to self* ‘What dat mind do baby?’  Lol Now that I’m getting older and moving on to different stages of my life I’m not so big on the idea of starting a family with a woman.  Love and light to my lesbian sistahs but I want to be with a man and start a family naturally, with my best friend, my husband, my right hand.  How does a woman whose values have been elevated through experience but expectations tainted with doom from those same experiences commence a healthy relationship with the same species of people that caused the rift to begin with? Answer: Get to know Cherokee better.  Do things with Cherokee more.  Travel with Cherokee even more and pray hard and keep the faith. That’s how.  I learned that I attracted everything I was afraid of because I was too comfortable to raise the bar.  I allowed people to treat me in ways that I wouldn’t treat myself because I didn’t love me enough.  I settled not because my father wasn’t always around, but because I didn’t tend to my personal issues long enough before attracting and tending to other people while I was still in pain.  So accepting the pain that was given to me was a way of ignoring what went terribly wrong deep down inside… a sick way of forgiving myself and those that caused it.

When I started writing this blog I had no clue where exactly I was going with it, but I suppose I’ll end it here.  This is my personal thought on a matter that I’ve ignored for years…I’m not perfect and I’m so happy that I’m not because I’d be a boring, square, piece of shit. *awkward silence* And that’s all I have to say about that.

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

 

That’s Some Selfish Shit.

I told him I was lacking inspiration. I had nothing to write about even though I had everything to write about.  Nothing in my mind was good enough to be put on paper because I wasn’t satisfied with my life.  I was unsettled and ungrateful.  Here I was overlooking the beautiful transformation that I asked my creator for because it wasn’t wrapped in a pretty package.  I was taking my own life for granted because it wasn’t bestowed on me in the way that I ordered it. And if it were given to me in that manner I wouldn’t be living it at all…I’d still be taking it for granted.  My inspiration is my hardship and in the bellow of everything that I don’t understand right away.

I looked myself in the mirror trying to figure out what in the hell am I supposed to be doing? Writing pissed me off, not writing pissed me off, people pissed me off, and I pissed me off for being pissed off in the 1st place.  I was annoyed with life because I was annoyed with me for not knowing what to do.  The woman with all the answers for everyone else couldn’t find one answer for herself.  Indecisive. Undecided because no answer was good enough for me so doing nothing seemed like the easiest thing to do…which worked out to be most spiritually fatal… doing nothing.  That’s some selfish shit. Forgetting myself because I didn’t know what to do with myself lol and in turn I was making myself miserable.  Change requires a whole lot of soul searching and self realization.  It requires facing the facts…aka facing the truth.

Inspiration is in everything…it’s in the melody of my 7am alarm entitled, “Live Life Cherokee!” It’s within the awkward silence of a much needed conversation between two strangers, within the hazy fog of weed smoke exhaled by a tight knit of homies on a Sunday morning, within a shrilling cry for help to the creator for deliverance, within the 6th bar of the 2nd verse to a song with no chorus, within the front row of a rowdy crowd in a rundown club with no liquor license lol, within a mother’s prayer, a father’s neglect, a friend’s lack of loyalty, within a new flame, within a distant memory… It’s everywhere. 🙂

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…”

You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…strong, handsome, and serious. The minute I walk in the room, you smile so genuinely…it’s more like you’re blushing, I’m still trying to take it all in.  I love the way how you call me in the middle of the day to tell me something silly that happened to you a few moments before your call… then I tell you it’s funny that you called because I was just thinking of you…we laugh…”I gotta studio session later King & I want you to slide with me, it’s a track about love and I want to feel your energy in the booth…” As always you say, “I’ll go wherever you want me to go…pressha or mid?” I choose mid and you end the call by saying, “Love you Juliet…” and I say, “…so cliche…lol..love you too Romeo…” *call ends*

Our connection is so decent. I’d go lay on the roof of my car at 1am in the morning to stargaze, soon after you’d come out and sit on the trunk to smoke and sit in silence with me…you understand me.  You look back and say, “You hungry…?”  I sit up and say, “You hungry huh? lol Yeah I’m hungry man…”  So we get in the whip and slide…it doesn’t take much effort to do what we do, it suits us.  It’s 1:20 am & your phone rings, I glance at you slyly and snuggle under you as you steer the whip…I say, “Don’t answer it.” You look at me with a mimicking grin and we keep on sliding.  I trust you so much, you add to my happiness, and I’m not intimidated by things that don’t concern me…you know this.  You’re my best friend…you feel more like my homie than my lover and damn I love this feeling.  I doze off a little bit and then wake up in my living room with my pen and pad on  my chest…I look at the first line of the page & it reads, “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…strong, handsome, and serious.” I lay back & smile…I know  you’re out there King…I know you are…

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

Man I gotta go.

As the tears roll down my face…I refuse to smile. Life did no wrong to me. It’s been pretty damn good to me actually. I put a lot of positive energy in the universe, I pray hard, even when my faith is tested and I reside on the grounds of solitude. Is my happiness living within the depths of my hope? Or in the hopes of my depth..no I’m not suicidal..so please don’t intervene. *looks down & smiles* Still trying to get my ducks in a row…most times I just wanna keep em all fucked up and let em do what they want..organized thought processing is all I need…an organized predicable life is what I’m afraid of.  My back is against the wall which indicates to me that I’m doing something right…It amazes me that my life is so much like the functionality of a used car on the road to recovery.  Every time you fix something on it, everything else falls apart around it.  I admire my struggle because it’s always something lol It’s to the point where I’d look up to the sky and I’m like, “Really God? Really though??” And simply smile & walk it off.  My purpose here is evident but my ability to sustain seems a bit…special.  I ain’t gon’ front though my heart is in pain…I don’t know if this is the after effects of  a broken heart or too many damn cigars, nowadays the effects all feel the same.  I’m still here though…living & maintaining.  I work so hard at most things…and whatever it is that doesn’t really hold much significance, I sleep on…for example, negativity & ig’nant ahh niggas. Lol It’s early & I don’t have anything deep to say, I’m not digging deep today, it’s too early… and I’m so sure of what I’m searching for.  I just need time away. It’s crazy how I can sit down with a kindred spirit & discuss the world & it’s affect on us as individuals, indulge in irrational solutions for laughs, & then finally laying back & saying absolutely nothing…entertaining silence; but cannot muster enough words to make an impressionable statement to the one that I’m slowly loving to hate.  It’s crazy how you can put your ALL in for a cause & still not produce a significant amount of an effect to inspire you to keep going.  I suppose if the benefits aren’t what we anticipated it doesn’t count as a benefit huh? I’m restless. I’m hurting. I have an obligation to me..and that’s to sustain, and it’s hard at times because it’ll be too damn easy to do just that…and deep down everyone isn’t rooting for your happiness.  Most times people don’t even give a fuck if it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Selfish. Anything that I allow myself to go through is merely to sharpen the effect of my understanding.  I try to go through most things so that I can understand them…write em down…read em…study em…let em go. My mind as you see it is in stable condition, but it’s rendering at critical mass.  What time is it? Man I gotta go. I must leave. I gotta clear it in so many ways than one.  Growth.

~The Lyricist
Release Me

…This Fight…

I’m always at odds with my thoughts..you know me…they will never settle.  I tend to tell myself white lies to treat the fragile feelings with care. That’s what white lies are for right? To protect you in a coy way from the truth… “…I’m okay,” is what I’d say just to shift the spotlight from where I stand which seems to be center stage of my immediate world’s uncanny scrutiny.  So strange…it’s so strange how everything can move at a pace that you can never really seem to get used to, but always somehow manage to keep up. The pace is mine.  I’m trying to impress me, take care of me, and love me unconditionally; In doing that it drives me fucking insane.  I’m so hard to please, easily amused, and unsatisfied.  If I can only present an admit one ticket to the admissions counter of my soul to validate my existence…and that miserable bitch behind the counter..ugh…if she would only accept the funds that I have right now, I mean damn I worked for it. I just wanna jump over the counter and shove it down her throat and gag her until she regurgitates..and maybe THEN at that point she’d admit me into the establishment…for all I truly want is to be established. 

I’m at war with me because I expect so much of me and I know my capabilities but I always find myself 2nd guessing em. I take a step forward, I never look back, but it’s leery. I am the epiphany of a work in progress. You know that feeling that you get after chugging a Red Bull? No, not a warm one…an ice cold Red Bull..niacin filled wet beads slithering in unison on the surface of your tongue, down your throat, into your esophagus coolly making its way to your tummy…that energized feeling…a feeling of rejuvenation…a spurt of happiness and motivation in a can…that’s how I feel daily…but without the caffeine kick…I feel this constant urge to produce..to attain..to plan…to work….to..oh God it’s just an unsettled feeling with a never-ending boost of ambition. Yeah…that’s what it is. Is this what the road to success is like? You work until you’re blue in the face and with each step that you take that seems as if to be in vain, puts your hope reservoir in a state of disbelief and alarm. I mean that’s how it is for me….if I’m not making a move on something I feel inadequate..  Sometimes I wish I weren’t this way. I’m fighting for a cause and this fight…I must fight it alone.

True indeed I will be assisted at some point in all that I do, but internally I have to regulate the demands on my own and boy oh boy do they exist…verdict’s in…I will be successful.  Fuck a white lie, I’m not okay…I won’t be okay until the pictures that I see flickering vividly in front of my eyes even as I’m awake grinding to profile in these visions are a full color reality.  It’s hard to stray away from something or someone when you’re in love.  You can’t just walk away…no matter how much it puts you in feelings of despair.  I’m vulnerable… vulnerable to greatness…it’s an expensive ticket and the woman behind the counter gave me an ultimatum…she said you ‘gon have all this money up front to get in this establishment or you are not getting the fuck in….and so I work and I save and I work and I save some more…in hopes that she’d allow me in, I won’t stop until I have enough..

~The Lyricist

 

"My spirit is free.."

“My spirit is free..”

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