Posts tagged ‘Spiritual’

The Life of the Party (Time to Go) Final Chapter

Photographer: IG @jamieblak

There were only two things that I wanted to see happen within the next couple of hours and that was for me to leave this party and get back to the comfort of my four sacred walls.  As I counted the stars, my mind drifted off as I began to think about the placement of every item in my apartment.  The brick wall in my bedroom near the window was such a comforting thought for me.  I imagined myself sitting on the window sill with the window and blinds opened exposing the gritty, black fire escape; me, smoking a fat blunt and communing with the universe about the small joys within my personal space.  I imagined that my retro record player would be belting out soothing tunes of smooth jazz as my nerves fell victim to its cunning notes and flirtatious rifts.  In the distance from way down below my apartment window, I could hear a faint noise of a woman yelling up from the street at the top of her lungs in my direction.  It sounded like the woman was yelling, “Nina! I’m back! Earth to Nina!” I put the blunt down and stuck my head out of the window to see who was yelling and ended up jumping out of my vision to see Jada standing in front of me holding a fat blunt saying, “This one’s yours.”  A big grin crept across my face like it was a slave to my glee and I snatched the blunt, “I’ma love you forever girl!” then hugged and pulled Jada down onto the couch with me.  I told her I was over this scene and that I wanted to leave sooner than later and if she was partied out as yet.  She said she’s ready too because she had another party to hit afterward and wanted to get a head start on it.  I stared at her with the WTF face and asked, “Was this a part of the original plan because I don’t remember agreeing to that part nor do I don’t wanna go.” She shot a look back at me and was like, “I knew your party pooping ass wouldn’t want to go so I’ll take you back to your car and then I’ll go by myself because it’s up our way anyway.” I then exhaled with relief.  The anxiety that was rising within me when she initially mentioned the 2nd party quickly subsided.  I decided to put the blunt Jada gave me up until I got home as a celebratory smoke session for making it through the night, I was satisfied.

I came to this party filled with ideas of everything that could possibly go wrong which had me dying inside.  I overcame the obstacle of staying home yet another night and evaded the urge to remain hostage to my anxiety.  Tonight we came and we conquered, the party was our playground in our world of freedom and fun.  I did everything that I was afraid of which was quite entertaining, but now it’s time to go home.

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

Fairy Tale Personalities & Whimsical Lifestyles…

I’m still trying to process the fact that almost every single piece of communication is done electronically:  Email, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, text, to name a few.  So you can see why I may feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I don’t go out much but don’t want my love connection to spark via internet.  It’s crazy because although I feel most comfortable being by myself nothing beats having a spiritual and emotional connection with someone else.  The age we’re in now with technology people can alter who they are and portray whatever they recognize your type to be.  For instance, on my Instagram I give the impression that I’m an earthy, goofy, fit, beach-loving, lyricist and that’s indeed what I am and so much more.  So I’ve had people approach me in a manner to accommodate these things.  I’ve been working on my trust issues and I’ve been speaking to different people more and I must admit there’s a diverse, beautiful world out there.  There’s also a community of losers who pride themselves on how quickly they can smooze you into believing their fairytale personalities and whimsical lifestyles.  So not only do I have to take people for who they are, virtually, but I have to have the sense enough to decipher who’s real and who’s fake.  This electronic connecting shit is nothing compared to face-to-face interaction.

Within a couple moments of meeting a person I can pick up on their true intentions.  Body language, tone of voice, handshake, conversational content, smiles or the lack thereof, it’s all a direct giveaway of a person’s true intentions.  I’m curious to know the first person EVER who went online, created a profile, posted a fictitious bio and misleading pictures, sent a confident message and then waited and felt okay within him/herself during all of this.  Lol Where did the real go? Where did authentication go? It’s gotten to a point where I sit back at times and look at the world through trinoculars and all I see are avatars and you never really know who’s operating that avatar.

So how exactly and why exactly should you trust that what someone is saying online is actually what the deal is? You don’t.  What you do is you trust your intuition to separate the two. Your first feeling is usually your intuition. Fact is you gotta move with the time and when you meet people whether it be online or in-person and they’re genuine, you thank God and you hold on to em.  Shit the world is all visual now, so when I’m approached online and the obvious is stated I’m neither surprised nor offended…simply aware.  Aware that the time is different and there’s no time to be naïve…also holding fast to the fact that being judgmental won’t help the situation either.  Lol Smfh Life just gets more and more interesting, I swear.

 

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

The Black Halo That Hovers Me…

I’m at war with myself.  The things that I expect of me are so formidable and sometimes I don’t give myself a chance to accomplish these things. I take on so much.  I’m so emotional and it took me a while to understand what that really meant and to come to terms with being this way.  I don’t like labels because they keep you in a box that most would draw biased conclusions on before really understanding what makes the items in this box so unique.  What makes me different? I don’t believe that real people wake up in the morning and ask themselves, “How can I be different today?” That’s bogus.  I believe that real people follow their 1st mind…their intuition..their gut…and live on their terms..not on terms predetermined by a book they’ve read..or by what someone said the terms are supposed to be in order to be…different; They just are.  When you make an impact, I don’t believe this is something you can plan…it just kinda happens. The most tragic or beautiful accidents are due to impromptu impact aren’t they not?

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I always sit and wonder about people and the way that they think.  I asked myself several times, does the rest of the world think like me? Does the rest of the world give themselves a hard time the way that I do? Do they hurt when someone they barely know is in pain? Do they want to be heard? Do they struggle with trying to uphold their purpose? And if I know what my purpose is, why is it a struggle? Shouldn’t I struggle with the things that I’m unfamiliar with? Of course not.  It’s usually the familiar things..like family & friends that make the struggle harder.  What I don’t know will hurt me…and what I do know already has.  Where do I go from here? Does the rest of the world think like this? Why the FUCK do I think so much? I have a responsibility and that’s to live the life that I’m given but sometimes it gets so hard…to the point where I myself lose touch with the whole damn point.  I suppose I’m just supposed to know.  I have a big heart…a big forgiving heart at that…I’ll do for the next before I’ll do for myself..I won’t change that.  I just wish sometimes that I can get a little help. I just wish sometimes that people would fight for me, the way that I fight for them..I hurt too. I just don’t talk about it because I hate that vulnerable feeling. I don’t want them to see me cry…I don’t want them to try to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay…I don’t want them to think to themselves that they have to be there for me because they are my friend.  I know how I think, I know how genuine I am. I know that every move within the second of a minute is a personal decision to decide between doing good and doing evil.  I choose to do good..not because I have to, but because it just feels so much better.  I don’t want them to be there for me because they decided to do good for selfish reasons..because they had to I just can’t seem to give people that opportunity.  I’ve been hurt so much.  I live a very lonely life because of this…this is not a cry for help, this is how I maintain.  This is how I think…this is MY STRUGGLE…the pictures that I paint don’t all have daisies and sunshine in em. I got issues like everybody else. I just wish I understood why I process things the way that I do.  A part of me knows the answers to all of my questions…as the other part seems to like posing questions to confirmed answers to hurt me. I’m at war with myself. This is my scarlet letter, the Black Halo that hovers over me…my good verses evil… Black Halo…The Mixtape… July 20th

~The Lyricist

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