Posts tagged ‘poetry’

My Present To Me…

The New Year is here! Love and light to me for stating the obvious and love and light to all the people that feel the new sense of purpose.  Waiting on the New Year to cut people off and start new ventures is a bit shady but if that’s what’s working for folk by all means do what you gotta do.  I’m living in the now so the moment is very much so my present to me and it surprises me every time and I appreciate my life for that.  My past is behind me and barely fixated on my mind and I appreciate my resilience for that.  My future is hopeful and as long as I play well with my presence I know I’ll appreciate my gifts for that.  😉

Maturity is achieved with time and understanding.  Some people simulate maturity while others actually take the time to see a situation through, accept it for what it is, learn from it, become more knowledgeable and an asset to their own life and others.  The older I get the more I realize that the quality of the life that I’m living is not in what I have or what I’m missing, but in what I appreciate and what I’m giving.

I’m so inspired.  I see with my eyes opened and feel with my palms to the sky, as genuine feelings are ordained by the heavens and considerately assigned to the heart.  I’m so grateful for the people in my life.  I’m so grateful for the experiences that I’ve been through and the ones to come.  Life inspires me and I’m forever grateful for it.

Love and Light

~The Lyricist
#TRIBE

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Am I a lesbian?

Back in the day I had a type.  I was youngER, inexperienced, and believed that I knew exactly what I wanted.  No one couldn’t tell me anything, especially my mama, the woman who told me every damn thing. Lol I took it as a personal challenge to do the complete opposite of every and anything that she asked/told me to do.  As a minor, an advanced minor at that, I’ll say about 15 or 16 years old I knew what kind of boys I was into.  The rules of my single parent household was, “No Boys UNTIL.” Mama knew something that I didn’t, but at 15/16 years old no meant yes and that’s just the way things were for me.  I loved challenges and I still do.  

The other day I went through some old journals that I wrote around that age and it hit me.  I was naive as fuck…that’s how it was for most teenage girls, young and inexperienced. I had this if you screw up once I’m screwing you over twice & it’s over for you indefinitely attitude.  I was attracted to light-skinned dudes and neighborhood thugs. The absence of my father seemed to push me in the direction of everything he wasn’t.  In reality I had no clue what a father’s love truly was and if I did, I didn’t remember. I thought to myself what was my type? I was attracted to boys who gave me a hard time, I figured if he gave me a hard time he truly cared about me and at least he stuck around to give me a hard time.  As time went by I started believing that all the boys were the same so I started dating girls.  Funny thing is at that time I figured I was dating girls to take a break from boys and not because I was getting hurt or played. Reality is a hard check to cash at the Arab store on everything.  Lol

I liked dating women so much that I held on to the lifestyle for about 7 years.  I quit boys then grew into the mindset of not dealing with men either.  I grew into adulthood dating women and never had a serious relationship with a man.  It’s hilarious to me at times when I share with people the very fact that I’ve never had a serious relationship in my adult life with a man before.  Am I a lesbian? No. Am I still dating women? No. Am I still attracted to women? *smiles to self* ‘What dat mind do baby?’  Lol Now that I’m getting older and moving on to different stages of my life I’m not so big on the idea of starting a family with a woman.  Love and light to my lesbian sistahs but I want to be with a man and start a family naturally, with my best friend, my husband, my right hand.  How does a woman whose values have been elevated through experience but expectations tainted with doom from those same experiences commence a healthy relationship with the same species of people that caused the rift to begin with? Answer: Get to know Cherokee better.  Do things with Cherokee more.  Travel with Cherokee even more and pray hard and keep the faith. That’s how.  I learned that I attracted everything I was afraid of because I was too comfortable to raise the bar.  I allowed people to treat me in ways that I wouldn’t treat myself because I didn’t love me enough.  I settled not because my father wasn’t always around, but because I didn’t tend to my personal issues long enough before attracting and tending to other people while I was still in pain.  So accepting the pain that was given to me was a way of ignoring what went terribly wrong deep down inside… a sick way of forgiving myself and those that caused it.

When I started writing this blog I had no clue where exactly I was going with it, but I suppose I’ll end it here.  This is my personal thought on a matter that I’ve ignored for years…I’m not perfect and I’m so happy that I’m not because I’d be a boring, square, piece of shit. *awkward silence* And that’s all I have to say about that.

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

 

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…”

You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…strong, handsome, and serious. The minute I walk in the room, you smile so genuinely…it’s more like you’re blushing, I’m still trying to take it all in.  I love the way how you call me in the middle of the day to tell me something silly that happened to you a few moments before your call… then I tell you it’s funny that you called because I was just thinking of you…we laugh…”I gotta studio session later King & I want you to slide with me, it’s a track about love and I want to feel your energy in the booth…” As always you say, “I’ll go wherever you want me to go…pressha or mid?” I choose mid and you end the call by saying, “Love you Juliet…” and I say, “…so cliche…lol..love you too Romeo…” *call ends*

Our connection is so decent. I’d go lay on the roof of my car at 1am in the morning to stargaze, soon after you’d come out and sit on the trunk to smoke and sit in silence with me…you understand me.  You look back and say, “You hungry…?”  I sit up and say, “You hungry huh? lol Yeah I’m hungry man…”  So we get in the whip and slide…it doesn’t take much effort to do what we do, it suits us.  It’s 1:20 am & your phone rings, I glance at you slyly and snuggle under you as you steer the whip…I say, “Don’t answer it.” You look at me with a mimicking grin and we keep on sliding.  I trust you so much, you add to my happiness, and I’m not intimidated by things that don’t concern me…you know this.  You’re my best friend…you feel more like my homie than my lover and damn I love this feeling.  I doze off a little bit and then wake up in my living room with my pen and pad on  my chest…I look at the first line of the page & it reads, “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…strong, handsome, and serious.” I lay back & smile…I know  you’re out there King…I know you are…

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

“It’s True…”

Earlier today I was sitting in solitude with my thoughts trying to come up with a new venture to monetize…while trying to come up with the ideas for the matter, I started thinking about what the money would solve. I thought about my life and how as little as $5,000 would make it better…I thought about my mama and how I’d help her and how we’d humbly laugh while basking in our sudden yet simple change of fate, even though the amount was so small. I started to write a couple bars on a new joint that I’d plan to call, “It’s True…” ‘Money ain’t the object of my affection/ sure would smooth my complexion/ cool brown girl smilin’ stylin’ even tho I’m wild’n/ everything I’m buying/ mama ain’t crying, kings still lying tryna comply and/ show affection and attention for little things to da lil boo/ It’s True, happiness can be bought too…” I tried to think about every and anybody who mattered to me & what I’d do for them…or not. There wasn’t much folks that came to mind…my memory is fucked any damn way so that didn’t help at all, but for the most part the list was short.

I love her to pieces... #TRIBE

I love her to pieces… #TRIBE

When I got home, I started digging through a box of old items looking for an item that I believed would help me in my newest venture…I won’t go into detail on what the item was to reserve the integrity & exclusivity of the new project, but I found something else…3 watches.  I sat on the floor in my closet for about 20 minutes looking at each watch as if to be stuck in a deep trance…one that tied me to the significance of these items.  My eyes welled with tears because there’s so many beautiful stories tied to my history that became distant artifacts in boxes that I may never find due to taking time for granted.  I sat there thinking about my ol’ girl…and how she loved me unconditionally…how she loved me when I was rebellious…how she defended me…how she cared for me…how she made sacrifices for me…the central headquarters of my unconditional love.  No matter what we were going through when I was a child, my happiness always came first to my mama…and now I sat there looking at the 3 watches…3 reminders…past, present, & future…A frigid reminder that I gotta keep trying to become a better person…my ol’ girl ain’t the same lady she was 16 years ago when she bought the 1st watch for me…she was younger…more durable, and quick…with time she aged like fine wine and reminds me of my late grandmother everyday. I teared up because she looks to me now the way I looked to her 16 years ago…and I know with everything that I’m trying to accomplish in my life right now, it makes me a bit short and impatient…even in the midst of promoting love and light…patience & virtue…I’m not patient enough with her…and it hurt me. Damn, I’m trying to change for the better…dealing with my ol’ girl humbles me…I apologize more now…I let things go quicker now…I forgive those who hurt me, I love those who hate me, because this is all that I welcome in my spirit…it feels good…and it’s helping me to become a better person.

It’s True…three watches conjured enough memories from my past, to remind me not to take my present for granted because the future is not promised… *smiles to self*  

~The Lyricist  

#TRIBE 

Cherokee The Lyricist

Cherokee The Lyricist

The Black Halo That Hovers Me…

I’m at war with myself.  The things that I expect of me are so formidable and sometimes I don’t give myself a chance to accomplish these things. I take on so much.  I’m so emotional and it took me a while to understand what that really meant and to come to terms with being this way.  I don’t like labels because they keep you in a box that most would draw biased conclusions on before really understanding what makes the items in this box so unique.  What makes me different? I don’t believe that real people wake up in the morning and ask themselves, “How can I be different today?” That’s bogus.  I believe that real people follow their 1st mind…their intuition..their gut…and live on their terms..not on terms predetermined by a book they’ve read..or by what someone said the terms are supposed to be in order to be…different; They just are.  When you make an impact, I don’t believe this is something you can plan…it just kinda happens. The most tragic or beautiful accidents are due to impromptu impact aren’t they not?

Image

I always sit and wonder about people and the way that they think.  I asked myself several times, does the rest of the world think like me? Does the rest of the world give themselves a hard time the way that I do? Do they hurt when someone they barely know is in pain? Do they want to be heard? Do they struggle with trying to uphold their purpose? And if I know what my purpose is, why is it a struggle? Shouldn’t I struggle with the things that I’m unfamiliar with? Of course not.  It’s usually the familiar things..like family & friends that make the struggle harder.  What I don’t know will hurt me…and what I do know already has.  Where do I go from here? Does the rest of the world think like this? Why the FUCK do I think so much? I have a responsibility and that’s to live the life that I’m given but sometimes it gets so hard…to the point where I myself lose touch with the whole damn point.  I suppose I’m just supposed to know.  I have a big heart…a big forgiving heart at that…I’ll do for the next before I’ll do for myself..I won’t change that.  I just wish sometimes that I can get a little help. I just wish sometimes that people would fight for me, the way that I fight for them..I hurt too. I just don’t talk about it because I hate that vulnerable feeling. I don’t want them to see me cry…I don’t want them to try to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay…I don’t want them to think to themselves that they have to be there for me because they are my friend.  I know how I think, I know how genuine I am. I know that every move within the second of a minute is a personal decision to decide between doing good and doing evil.  I choose to do good..not because I have to, but because it just feels so much better.  I don’t want them to be there for me because they decided to do good for selfish reasons..because they had to I just can’t seem to give people that opportunity.  I’ve been hurt so much.  I live a very lonely life because of this…this is not a cry for help, this is how I maintain.  This is how I think…this is MY STRUGGLE…the pictures that I paint don’t all have daisies and sunshine in em. I got issues like everybody else. I just wish I understood why I process things the way that I do.  A part of me knows the answers to all of my questions…as the other part seems to like posing questions to confirmed answers to hurt me. I’m at war with myself. This is my scarlet letter, the Black Halo that hovers over me…my good verses evil… Black Halo…The Mixtape… July 20th

~The Lyricist

Man I gotta go.

As the tears roll down my face…I refuse to smile. Life did no wrong to me. It’s been pretty damn good to me actually. I put a lot of positive energy in the universe, I pray hard, even when my faith is tested and I reside on the grounds of solitude. Is my happiness living within the depths of my hope? Or in the hopes of my depth..no I’m not suicidal..so please don’t intervene. *looks down & smiles* Still trying to get my ducks in a row…most times I just wanna keep em all fucked up and let em do what they want..organized thought processing is all I need…an organized predicable life is what I’m afraid of.  My back is against the wall which indicates to me that I’m doing something right…It amazes me that my life is so much like the functionality of a used car on the road to recovery.  Every time you fix something on it, everything else falls apart around it.  I admire my struggle because it’s always something lol It’s to the point where I’d look up to the sky and I’m like, “Really God? Really though??” And simply smile & walk it off.  My purpose here is evident but my ability to sustain seems a bit…special.  I ain’t gon’ front though my heart is in pain…I don’t know if this is the after effects of  a broken heart or too many damn cigars, nowadays the effects all feel the same.  I’m still here though…living & maintaining.  I work so hard at most things…and whatever it is that doesn’t really hold much significance, I sleep on…for example, negativity & ig’nant ahh niggas. Lol It’s early & I don’t have anything deep to say, I’m not digging deep today, it’s too early… and I’m so sure of what I’m searching for.  I just need time away. It’s crazy how I can sit down with a kindred spirit & discuss the world & it’s affect on us as individuals, indulge in irrational solutions for laughs, & then finally laying back & saying absolutely nothing…entertaining silence; but cannot muster enough words to make an impressionable statement to the one that I’m slowly loving to hate.  It’s crazy how you can put your ALL in for a cause & still not produce a significant amount of an effect to inspire you to keep going.  I suppose if the benefits aren’t what we anticipated it doesn’t count as a benefit huh? I’m restless. I’m hurting. I have an obligation to me..and that’s to sustain, and it’s hard at times because it’ll be too damn easy to do just that…and deep down everyone isn’t rooting for your happiness.  Most times people don’t even give a fuck if it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Selfish. Anything that I allow myself to go through is merely to sharpen the effect of my understanding.  I try to go through most things so that I can understand them…write em down…read em…study em…let em go. My mind as you see it is in stable condition, but it’s rendering at critical mass.  What time is it? Man I gotta go. I must leave. I gotta clear it in so many ways than one.  Growth.

~The Lyricist
Release Me

…This Fight…

I’m always at odds with my thoughts..you know me…they will never settle.  I tend to tell myself white lies to treat the fragile feelings with care. That’s what white lies are for right? To protect you in a coy way from the truth… “…I’m okay,” is what I’d say just to shift the spotlight from where I stand which seems to be center stage of my immediate world’s uncanny scrutiny.  So strange…it’s so strange how everything can move at a pace that you can never really seem to get used to, but always somehow manage to keep up. The pace is mine.  I’m trying to impress me, take care of me, and love me unconditionally; In doing that it drives me fucking insane.  I’m so hard to please, easily amused, and unsatisfied.  If I can only present an admit one ticket to the admissions counter of my soul to validate my existence…and that miserable bitch behind the counter..ugh…if she would only accept the funds that I have right now, I mean damn I worked for it. I just wanna jump over the counter and shove it down her throat and gag her until she regurgitates..and maybe THEN at that point she’d admit me into the establishment…for all I truly want is to be established. 

I’m at war with me because I expect so much of me and I know my capabilities but I always find myself 2nd guessing em. I take a step forward, I never look back, but it’s leery. I am the epiphany of a work in progress. You know that feeling that you get after chugging a Red Bull? No, not a warm one…an ice cold Red Bull..niacin filled wet beads slithering in unison on the surface of your tongue, down your throat, into your esophagus coolly making its way to your tummy…that energized feeling…a feeling of rejuvenation…a spurt of happiness and motivation in a can…that’s how I feel daily…but without the caffeine kick…I feel this constant urge to produce..to attain..to plan…to work….to..oh God it’s just an unsettled feeling with a never-ending boost of ambition. Yeah…that’s what it is. Is this what the road to success is like? You work until you’re blue in the face and with each step that you take that seems as if to be in vain, puts your hope reservoir in a state of disbelief and alarm. I mean that’s how it is for me….if I’m not making a move on something I feel inadequate..  Sometimes I wish I weren’t this way. I’m fighting for a cause and this fight…I must fight it alone.

True indeed I will be assisted at some point in all that I do, but internally I have to regulate the demands on my own and boy oh boy do they exist…verdict’s in…I will be successful.  Fuck a white lie, I’m not okay…I won’t be okay until the pictures that I see flickering vividly in front of my eyes even as I’m awake grinding to profile in these visions are a full color reality.  It’s hard to stray away from something or someone when you’re in love.  You can’t just walk away…no matter how much it puts you in feelings of despair.  I’m vulnerable… vulnerable to greatness…it’s an expensive ticket and the woman behind the counter gave me an ultimatum…she said you ‘gon have all this money up front to get in this establishment or you are not getting the fuck in….and so I work and I save and I work and I save some more…in hopes that she’d allow me in, I won’t stop until I have enough..

~The Lyricist

 

"My spirit is free.."

“My spirit is free..”

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