Posts tagged ‘Life’

I’ll be 18 at Midnight.

topmodelDreaming is my escape from reality.  There’s a part of me that’s on the other end of the globe exploring and experiencing and then there’s the part of me that’s still here. I spent years asking myself, “Am I a grown-up yet?” Lol What the hell does it even mean to be a grown-up? The answer to the question is never clear but I somehow managed to be categorized as such.  I remember the year I graduated from high school; I sat on the patio of my apartment staring at things until they became blurred in vision in a heroic attempt to hold on to every moment; I wanted to be so aware of the moment and its coinciding timestamp.   I was fascinated with life, in the moment.  It was as if every living thing that came into view had a chance at life for a 2nd time.  Time became so much more important to me and graduation was really a mechanism that stood for transformation.  The sky was golden, the sun rays beamed gently over the entire landscape causing me to sit in the shade with a partial squint. The breeze was warm and for the first time ever, I felt a sense of carelessness and freedom.  With graduation a day or so away and my birthday coming shortly after, all I could think of was the auspicious possibilities and this new chapter, I had mixed emotions.  I knew that once I walked across that stage and secured that diploma, everything that happened or wouldn’t happen from that point forward, would be on the account of me and me only. Truth is it was always on me but that’s a lesson that came later on in my life.

I remember the feeling that I had the night before my 18th birthday.  I remember looking at my face in the mirror and thinking; at midnight I’ll be 18 and foolishly wondering what my 18 year old face would look like. Lol I was so amazed that I was finally going to be living life on my own terms that I tried to imagine what being an adult would feel like once the clock struck midnight.  Every moment was that much more important so I was very careful to recognize every occurrence and detail within every preceding minute.  This was the last time that I would ever get to be a child, I’ll never be 17 again, and life will forever be changed at midnight.

The time came and gone, I didn’t shed any skin and I wasn’t swept off my feet and into the air by a gust of magical winds with an angelic light flow from the heavens, to be struck by the adult Gods with a lightning bolt of glory and responsibility; I simply went up a number. Astounding. Looking back from then til now, I can now see that adulthood is having an open state-of-mind.  No matter how many bills you may pay, the number of children you may have, deals closed, or money made, no matter what you may do in this life, there’s no specific event that occurs that grants you your adulthood.  It’s more so a mental transition that occurs when you become mature enough to understand your circumstances and take full responsibility for them through the good and bad.  The great news is that my inner child never died, she’s always fighting the good fight to remain relevant in my day-to-day life. Lol I’m still a big kid going through this journey with an open perspective, life is what you think it. 

 

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

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I’m a freelance human.

It’s been two years since I’ve blogged on my site.  Two years.  Let’s make a toast to consistency shall we?

So much has come and gone within this time frame and I’m so blessed to be alive and well… and aware that I fucked up.  Given that it’s been such a long stretch of time since I’ve last checked in, I’ll take the opportunity now to refresh everyone on what this blog is all about and what to look forward to in the upcoming weeks.

“Hi, I’m Cherokee, formally known as, Cherokee The Lyricist.  I’m a Hip Hop Soul artist originally from Brooklyn, NY, and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, FL.  I enjoy living my life on my terms which include but is not limited to: making music, writing, thrifting, annoying my boyfriend, avoiding major responsibilities, and sleeping on the beach, I meant, meditating on the beach.  Yes, you guessed it, I’m a liberated-spirit and pride myself on that as well.  I figured writing a blog would help me to stay connected to my tribe while also purging my mind of the continuous and at times daunting thoughts that never seem to go away unless I really need them.  I’m a freelance human.  I wander through life as a carefree butterfly pitching on the flowers in the garden of uncertainty.  (I’m really having fun with this lol)

In short, I missed  you guys.  Consistency for me has been a struggle because my mind is something that from time-to-time I lose control of, am I crazy? To society? Maybe. Am I human? To me? Sometimes. But I am sure of one thing and one thing only, and that it’s my purpose to simply, BE.  The moment I started allowing myself to simply, BE, I remembered this blog, my responsibility and my purpose.  Sometimes we try so hard to BE more and end up losing focus forgetting that we’re supposed to simply, BE.  (That sounded hella deep in my head when I thought of it, on paper not so much).

I appreciate the tribe for holding out for me, for believing in me, for encouraging me and understanding that in this life the only thing that’s certain is knowing that nothing is certain.  Expect a couple blogs a week from me, expect updates on new music and poetry from me, and expect most importantly, the unexpected. 

Love and light,

Cherokee

#TRIBE

Am I a lesbian?

Back in the day I had a type.  I was youngER, inexperienced, and believed that I knew exactly what I wanted.  No one couldn’t tell me anything, especially my mama, the woman who told me every damn thing. Lol I took it as a personal challenge to do the complete opposite of every and anything that she asked/told me to do.  As a minor, an advanced minor at that, I’ll say about 15 or 16 years old I knew what kind of boys I was into.  The rules of my single parent household was, “No Boys UNTIL.” Mama knew something that I didn’t, but at 15/16 years old no meant yes and that’s just the way things were for me.  I loved challenges and I still do.  

The other day I went through some old journals that I wrote around that age and it hit me.  I was naive as fuck…that’s how it was for most teenage girls, young and inexperienced. I had this if you screw up once I’m screwing you over twice & it’s over for you indefinitely attitude.  I was attracted to light-skinned dudes and neighborhood thugs. The absence of my father seemed to push me in the direction of everything he wasn’t.  In reality I had no clue what a father’s love truly was and if I did, I didn’t remember. I thought to myself what was my type? I was attracted to boys who gave me a hard time, I figured if he gave me a hard time he truly cared about me and at least he stuck around to give me a hard time.  As time went by I started believing that all the boys were the same so I started dating girls.  Funny thing is at that time I figured I was dating girls to take a break from boys and not because I was getting hurt or played. Reality is a hard check to cash at the Arab store on everything.  Lol

I liked dating women so much that I held on to the lifestyle for about 7 years.  I quit boys then grew into the mindset of not dealing with men either.  I grew into adulthood dating women and never had a serious relationship with a man.  It’s hilarious to me at times when I share with people the very fact that I’ve never had a serious relationship in my adult life with a man before.  Am I a lesbian? No. Am I still dating women? No. Am I still attracted to women? *smiles to self* ‘What dat mind do baby?’  Lol Now that I’m getting older and moving on to different stages of my life I’m not so big on the idea of starting a family with a woman.  Love and light to my lesbian sistahs but I want to be with a man and start a family naturally, with my best friend, my husband, my right hand.  How does a woman whose values have been elevated through experience but expectations tainted with doom from those same experiences commence a healthy relationship with the same species of people that caused the rift to begin with? Answer: Get to know Cherokee better.  Do things with Cherokee more.  Travel with Cherokee even more and pray hard and keep the faith. That’s how.  I learned that I attracted everything I was afraid of because I was too comfortable to raise the bar.  I allowed people to treat me in ways that I wouldn’t treat myself because I didn’t love me enough.  I settled not because my father wasn’t always around, but because I didn’t tend to my personal issues long enough before attracting and tending to other people while I was still in pain.  So accepting the pain that was given to me was a way of ignoring what went terribly wrong deep down inside… a sick way of forgiving myself and those that caused it.

When I started writing this blog I had no clue where exactly I was going with it, but I suppose I’ll end it here.  This is my personal thought on a matter that I’ve ignored for years…I’m not perfect and I’m so happy that I’m not because I’d be a boring, square, piece of shit. *awkward silence* And that’s all I have to say about that.

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

 

That’s Some Selfish Shit.

I told him I was lacking inspiration. I had nothing to write about even though I had everything to write about.  Nothing in my mind was good enough to be put on paper because I wasn’t satisfied with my life.  I was unsettled and ungrateful.  Here I was overlooking the beautiful transformation that I asked my creator for because it wasn’t wrapped in a pretty package.  I was taking my own life for granted because it wasn’t bestowed on me in the way that I ordered it. And if it were given to me in that manner I wouldn’t be living it at all…I’d still be taking it for granted.  My inspiration is my hardship and in the bellow of everything that I don’t understand right away.

I looked myself in the mirror trying to figure out what in the hell am I supposed to be doing? Writing pissed me off, not writing pissed me off, people pissed me off, and I pissed me off for being pissed off in the 1st place.  I was annoyed with life because I was annoyed with me for not knowing what to do.  The woman with all the answers for everyone else couldn’t find one answer for herself.  Indecisive. Undecided because no answer was good enough for me so doing nothing seemed like the easiest thing to do…which worked out to be most spiritually fatal… doing nothing.  That’s some selfish shit. Forgetting myself because I didn’t know what to do with myself lol and in turn I was making myself miserable.  Change requires a whole lot of soul searching and self realization.  It requires facing the facts…aka facing the truth.

Inspiration is in everything…it’s in the melody of my 7am alarm entitled, “Live Life Cherokee!” It’s within the awkward silence of a much needed conversation between two strangers, within the hazy fog of weed smoke exhaled by a tight knit of homies on a Sunday morning, within a shrilling cry for help to the creator for deliverance, within the 6th bar of the 2nd verse to a song with no chorus, within the front row of a rowdy crowd in a rundown club with no liquor license lol, within a mother’s prayer, a father’s neglect, a friend’s lack of loyalty, within a new flame, within a distant memory… It’s everywhere. 🙂

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

“It’s True…”

Earlier today I was sitting in solitude with my thoughts trying to come up with a new venture to monetize…while trying to come up with the ideas for the matter, I started thinking about what the money would solve. I thought about my life and how as little as $5,000 would make it better…I thought about my mama and how I’d help her and how we’d humbly laugh while basking in our sudden yet simple change of fate, even though the amount was so small. I started to write a couple bars on a new joint that I’d plan to call, “It’s True…” ‘Money ain’t the object of my affection/ sure would smooth my complexion/ cool brown girl smilin’ stylin’ even tho I’m wild’n/ everything I’m buying/ mama ain’t crying, kings still lying tryna comply and/ show affection and attention for little things to da lil boo/ It’s True, happiness can be bought too…” I tried to think about every and anybody who mattered to me & what I’d do for them…or not. There wasn’t much folks that came to mind…my memory is fucked any damn way so that didn’t help at all, but for the most part the list was short.

I love her to pieces... #TRIBE

I love her to pieces… #TRIBE

When I got home, I started digging through a box of old items looking for an item that I believed would help me in my newest venture…I won’t go into detail on what the item was to reserve the integrity & exclusivity of the new project, but I found something else…3 watches.  I sat on the floor in my closet for about 20 minutes looking at each watch as if to be stuck in a deep trance…one that tied me to the significance of these items.  My eyes welled with tears because there’s so many beautiful stories tied to my history that became distant artifacts in boxes that I may never find due to taking time for granted.  I sat there thinking about my ol’ girl…and how she loved me unconditionally…how she loved me when I was rebellious…how she defended me…how she cared for me…how she made sacrifices for me…the central headquarters of my unconditional love.  No matter what we were going through when I was a child, my happiness always came first to my mama…and now I sat there looking at the 3 watches…3 reminders…past, present, & future…A frigid reminder that I gotta keep trying to become a better person…my ol’ girl ain’t the same lady she was 16 years ago when she bought the 1st watch for me…she was younger…more durable, and quick…with time she aged like fine wine and reminds me of my late grandmother everyday. I teared up because she looks to me now the way I looked to her 16 years ago…and I know with everything that I’m trying to accomplish in my life right now, it makes me a bit short and impatient…even in the midst of promoting love and light…patience & virtue…I’m not patient enough with her…and it hurt me. Damn, I’m trying to change for the better…dealing with my ol’ girl humbles me…I apologize more now…I let things go quicker now…I forgive those who hurt me, I love those who hate me, because this is all that I welcome in my spirit…it feels good…and it’s helping me to become a better person.

It’s True…three watches conjured enough memories from my past, to remind me not to take my present for granted because the future is not promised… *smiles to self*  

~The Lyricist  

#TRIBE 

Cherokee The Lyricist

Cherokee The Lyricist

The Black Halo That Hovers Me…

I’m at war with myself.  The things that I expect of me are so formidable and sometimes I don’t give myself a chance to accomplish these things. I take on so much.  I’m so emotional and it took me a while to understand what that really meant and to come to terms with being this way.  I don’t like labels because they keep you in a box that most would draw biased conclusions on before really understanding what makes the items in this box so unique.  What makes me different? I don’t believe that real people wake up in the morning and ask themselves, “How can I be different today?” That’s bogus.  I believe that real people follow their 1st mind…their intuition..their gut…and live on their terms..not on terms predetermined by a book they’ve read..or by what someone said the terms are supposed to be in order to be…different; They just are.  When you make an impact, I don’t believe this is something you can plan…it just kinda happens. The most tragic or beautiful accidents are due to impromptu impact aren’t they not?

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I always sit and wonder about people and the way that they think.  I asked myself several times, does the rest of the world think like me? Does the rest of the world give themselves a hard time the way that I do? Do they hurt when someone they barely know is in pain? Do they want to be heard? Do they struggle with trying to uphold their purpose? And if I know what my purpose is, why is it a struggle? Shouldn’t I struggle with the things that I’m unfamiliar with? Of course not.  It’s usually the familiar things..like family & friends that make the struggle harder.  What I don’t know will hurt me…and what I do know already has.  Where do I go from here? Does the rest of the world think like this? Why the FUCK do I think so much? I have a responsibility and that’s to live the life that I’m given but sometimes it gets so hard…to the point where I myself lose touch with the whole damn point.  I suppose I’m just supposed to know.  I have a big heart…a big forgiving heart at that…I’ll do for the next before I’ll do for myself..I won’t change that.  I just wish sometimes that I can get a little help. I just wish sometimes that people would fight for me, the way that I fight for them..I hurt too. I just don’t talk about it because I hate that vulnerable feeling. I don’t want them to see me cry…I don’t want them to try to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay…I don’t want them to think to themselves that they have to be there for me because they are my friend.  I know how I think, I know how genuine I am. I know that every move within the second of a minute is a personal decision to decide between doing good and doing evil.  I choose to do good..not because I have to, but because it just feels so much better.  I don’t want them to be there for me because they decided to do good for selfish reasons..because they had to I just can’t seem to give people that opportunity.  I’ve been hurt so much.  I live a very lonely life because of this…this is not a cry for help, this is how I maintain.  This is how I think…this is MY STRUGGLE…the pictures that I paint don’t all have daisies and sunshine in em. I got issues like everybody else. I just wish I understood why I process things the way that I do.  A part of me knows the answers to all of my questions…as the other part seems to like posing questions to confirmed answers to hurt me. I’m at war with myself. This is my scarlet letter, the Black Halo that hovers over me…my good verses evil… Black Halo…The Mixtape… July 20th

~The Lyricist

Man I gotta go.

As the tears roll down my face…I refuse to smile. Life did no wrong to me. It’s been pretty damn good to me actually. I put a lot of positive energy in the universe, I pray hard, even when my faith is tested and I reside on the grounds of solitude. Is my happiness living within the depths of my hope? Or in the hopes of my depth..no I’m not suicidal..so please don’t intervene. *looks down & smiles* Still trying to get my ducks in a row…most times I just wanna keep em all fucked up and let em do what they want..organized thought processing is all I need…an organized predicable life is what I’m afraid of.  My back is against the wall which indicates to me that I’m doing something right…It amazes me that my life is so much like the functionality of a used car on the road to recovery.  Every time you fix something on it, everything else falls apart around it.  I admire my struggle because it’s always something lol It’s to the point where I’d look up to the sky and I’m like, “Really God? Really though??” And simply smile & walk it off.  My purpose here is evident but my ability to sustain seems a bit…special.  I ain’t gon’ front though my heart is in pain…I don’t know if this is the after effects of  a broken heart or too many damn cigars, nowadays the effects all feel the same.  I’m still here though…living & maintaining.  I work so hard at most things…and whatever it is that doesn’t really hold much significance, I sleep on…for example, negativity & ig’nant ahh niggas. Lol It’s early & I don’t have anything deep to say, I’m not digging deep today, it’s too early… and I’m so sure of what I’m searching for.  I just need time away. It’s crazy how I can sit down with a kindred spirit & discuss the world & it’s affect on us as individuals, indulge in irrational solutions for laughs, & then finally laying back & saying absolutely nothing…entertaining silence; but cannot muster enough words to make an impressionable statement to the one that I’m slowly loving to hate.  It’s crazy how you can put your ALL in for a cause & still not produce a significant amount of an effect to inspire you to keep going.  I suppose if the benefits aren’t what we anticipated it doesn’t count as a benefit huh? I’m restless. I’m hurting. I have an obligation to me..and that’s to sustain, and it’s hard at times because it’ll be too damn easy to do just that…and deep down everyone isn’t rooting for your happiness.  Most times people don’t even give a fuck if it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Selfish. Anything that I allow myself to go through is merely to sharpen the effect of my understanding.  I try to go through most things so that I can understand them…write em down…read em…study em…let em go. My mind as you see it is in stable condition, but it’s rendering at critical mass.  What time is it? Man I gotta go. I must leave. I gotta clear it in so many ways than one.  Growth.

~The Lyricist
Release Me

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