Posts tagged ‘Girl’

I’ll be 18 at Midnight.

topmodelDreaming is my escape from reality.  There’s a part of me that’s on the other end of the globe exploring and experiencing and then there’s the part of me that’s still here. I spent years asking myself, “Am I a grown-up yet?” Lol What the hell does it even mean to be a grown-up? The answer to the question is never clear but I somehow managed to be categorized as such.  I remember the year I graduated from high school; I sat on the patio of my apartment staring at things until they became blurred in vision in a heroic attempt to hold on to every moment; I wanted to be so aware of the moment and its coinciding timestamp.   I was fascinated with life, in the moment.  It was as if every living thing that came into view had a chance at life for a 2nd time.  Time became so much more important to me and graduation was really a mechanism that stood for transformation.  The sky was golden, the sun rays beamed gently over the entire landscape causing me to sit in the shade with a partial squint. The breeze was warm and for the first time ever, I felt a sense of carelessness and freedom.  With graduation a day or so away and my birthday coming shortly after, all I could think of was the auspicious possibilities and this new chapter, I had mixed emotions.  I knew that once I walked across that stage and secured that diploma, everything that happened or wouldn’t happen from that point forward, would be on the account of me and me only. Truth is it was always on me but that’s a lesson that came later on in my life.

I remember the feeling that I had the night before my 18th birthday.  I remember looking at my face in the mirror and thinking; at midnight I’ll be 18 and foolishly wondering what my 18 year old face would look like. Lol I was so amazed that I was finally going to be living life on my own terms that I tried to imagine what being an adult would feel like once the clock struck midnight.  Every moment was that much more important so I was very careful to recognize every occurrence and detail within every preceding minute.  This was the last time that I would ever get to be a child, I’ll never be 17 again, and life will forever be changed at midnight.

The time came and gone, I didn’t shed any skin and I wasn’t swept off my feet and into the air by a gust of magical winds with an angelic light flow from the heavens, to be struck by the adult Gods with a lightning bolt of glory and responsibility; I simply went up a number. Astounding. Looking back from then til now, I can now see that adulthood is having an open state-of-mind.  No matter how many bills you may pay, the number of children you may have, deals closed, or money made, no matter what you may do in this life, there’s no specific event that occurs that grants you your adulthood.  It’s more so a mental transition that occurs when you become mature enough to understand your circumstances and take full responsibility for them through the good and bad.  The great news is that my inner child never died, she’s always fighting the good fight to remain relevant in my day-to-day life. Lol I’m still a big kid going through this journey with an open perspective, life is what you think it. 

 

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

The Black Halo That Hovers Me…

I’m at war with myself.  The things that I expect of me are so formidable and sometimes I don’t give myself a chance to accomplish these things. I take on so much.  I’m so emotional and it took me a while to understand what that really meant and to come to terms with being this way.  I don’t like labels because they keep you in a box that most would draw biased conclusions on before really understanding what makes the items in this box so unique.  What makes me different? I don’t believe that real people wake up in the morning and ask themselves, “How can I be different today?” That’s bogus.  I believe that real people follow their 1st mind…their intuition..their gut…and live on their terms..not on terms predetermined by a book they’ve read..or by what someone said the terms are supposed to be in order to be…different; They just are.  When you make an impact, I don’t believe this is something you can plan…it just kinda happens. The most tragic or beautiful accidents are due to impromptu impact aren’t they not?

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I always sit and wonder about people and the way that they think.  I asked myself several times, does the rest of the world think like me? Does the rest of the world give themselves a hard time the way that I do? Do they hurt when someone they barely know is in pain? Do they want to be heard? Do they struggle with trying to uphold their purpose? And if I know what my purpose is, why is it a struggle? Shouldn’t I struggle with the things that I’m unfamiliar with? Of course not.  It’s usually the familiar things..like family & friends that make the struggle harder.  What I don’t know will hurt me…and what I do know already has.  Where do I go from here? Does the rest of the world think like this? Why the FUCK do I think so much? I have a responsibility and that’s to live the life that I’m given but sometimes it gets so hard…to the point where I myself lose touch with the whole damn point.  I suppose I’m just supposed to know.  I have a big heart…a big forgiving heart at that…I’ll do for the next before I’ll do for myself..I won’t change that.  I just wish sometimes that I can get a little help. I just wish sometimes that people would fight for me, the way that I fight for them..I hurt too. I just don’t talk about it because I hate that vulnerable feeling. I don’t want them to see me cry…I don’t want them to try to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay…I don’t want them to think to themselves that they have to be there for me because they are my friend.  I know how I think, I know how genuine I am. I know that every move within the second of a minute is a personal decision to decide between doing good and doing evil.  I choose to do good..not because I have to, but because it just feels so much better.  I don’t want them to be there for me because they decided to do good for selfish reasons..because they had to I just can’t seem to give people that opportunity.  I’ve been hurt so much.  I live a very lonely life because of this…this is not a cry for help, this is how I maintain.  This is how I think…this is MY STRUGGLE…the pictures that I paint don’t all have daisies and sunshine in em. I got issues like everybody else. I just wish I understood why I process things the way that I do.  A part of me knows the answers to all of my questions…as the other part seems to like posing questions to confirmed answers to hurt me. I’m at war with myself. This is my scarlet letter, the Black Halo that hovers over me…my good verses evil… Black Halo…The Mixtape… July 20th

~The Lyricist

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