Fairy Tale Personalities & Whimsical Lifestyles…

Source: Fairy Tale Personalities & Whimsical Lifestyles…

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Fairy Tale Personalities & Whimsical Lifestyles…

I’m still trying to process the fact that almost every single piece of communication is done electronically:  Email, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, text, to name a few.  So you can see why I may feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I don’t go out much but don’t want my love connection to spark via internet.  It’s crazy because although I feel most comfortable being by myself nothing beats having a spiritual and emotional connection with someone else.  The age we’re in now with technology people can alter who they are and portray whatever they recognize your type to be.  For instance, on my Instagram I give the impression that I’m an earthy, goofy, fit, beach-loving, lyricist and that’s indeed what I am and so much more.  So I’ve had people approach me in a manner to accommodate these things.  I’ve been working on my trust issues and I’ve been speaking to different people more and I must admit there’s a diverse, beautiful world out there.  There’s also a community of losers who pride themselves on how quickly they can smooze you into believing their fairytale personalities and whimsical lifestyles.  So not only do I have to take people for who they are, virtually, but I have to have the sense enough to decipher who’s real and who’s fake.  This electronic connecting shit is nothing compared to face-to-face interaction.

Within a couple moments of meeting a person I can pick up on their true intentions.  Body language, tone of voice, handshake, conversational content, smiles or the lack thereof, it’s all a direct giveaway of a person’s true intentions.  I’m curious to know the first person EVER who went online, created a profile, posted a fictitious bio and misleading pictures, sent a confident message and then waited and felt okay within him/herself during all of this.  Lol Where did the real go? Where did authentication go? It’s gotten to a point where I sit back at times and look at the world through trinoculars and all I see are avatars and you never really know who’s operating that avatar.

So how exactly and why exactly should you trust that what someone is saying online is actually what the deal is? You don’t.  What you do is you trust your intuition to separate the two. Your first feeling is usually your intuition. Fact is you gotta move with the time and when you meet people whether it be online or in-person and they’re genuine, you thank God and you hold on to em.  Shit the world is all visual now, so when I’m approached online and the obvious is stated I’m neither surprised nor offended…simply aware.  Aware that the time is different and there’s no time to be naïve…also holding fast to the fact that being judgmental won’t help the situation either.  Lol Smfh Life just gets more and more interesting, I swear.

 

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

Am I a lesbian?

Back in the day I had a type.  I was youngER, inexperienced, and believed that I knew exactly what I wanted.  No one couldn’t tell me anything, especially my mama, the woman who told me every damn thing. Lol I took it as a personal challenge to do the complete opposite of every and anything that she asked/told me to do.  As a minor, an advanced minor at that, I’ll say about 15 or 16 years old I knew what kind of boys I was into.  The rules of my single parent household was, “No Boys UNTIL.” Mama knew something that I didn’t, but at 15/16 years old no meant yes and that’s just the way things were for me.  I loved challenges and I still do.  

The other day I went through some old journals that I wrote around that age and it hit me.  I was naive as fuck…that’s how it was for most teenage girls, young and inexperienced. I had this if you screw up once I’m screwing you over twice & it’s over for you indefinitely attitude.  I was attracted to light-skinned dudes and neighborhood thugs. The absence of my father seemed to push me in the direction of everything he wasn’t.  In reality I had no clue what a father’s love truly was and if I did, I didn’t remember. I thought to myself what was my type? I was attracted to boys who gave me a hard time, I figured if he gave me a hard time he truly cared about me and at least he stuck around to give me a hard time.  As time went by I started believing that all the boys were the same so I started dating girls.  Funny thing is at that time I figured I was dating girls to take a break from boys and not because I was getting hurt or played. Reality is a hard check to cash at the Arab store on everything.  Lol

I liked dating women so much that I held on to the lifestyle for about 7 years.  I quit boys then grew into the mindset of not dealing with men either.  I grew into adulthood dating women and never had a serious relationship with a man.  It’s hilarious to me at times when I share with people the very fact that I’ve never had a serious relationship in my adult life with a man before.  Am I a lesbian? No. Am I still dating women? No. Am I still attracted to women? *smiles to self* ‘What dat mind do baby?’  Lol Now that I’m getting older and moving on to different stages of my life I’m not so big on the idea of starting a family with a woman.  Love and light to my lesbian sistahs but I want to be with a man and start a family naturally, with my best friend, my husband, my right hand.  How does a woman whose values have been elevated through experience but expectations tainted with doom from those same experiences commence a healthy relationship with the same species of people that caused the rift to begin with? Answer: Get to know Cherokee better.  Do things with Cherokee more.  Travel with Cherokee even more and pray hard and keep the faith. That’s how.  I learned that I attracted everything I was afraid of because I was too comfortable to raise the bar.  I allowed people to treat me in ways that I wouldn’t treat myself because I didn’t love me enough.  I settled not because my father wasn’t always around, but because I didn’t tend to my personal issues long enough before attracting and tending to other people while I was still in pain.  So accepting the pain that was given to me was a way of ignoring what went terribly wrong deep down inside… a sick way of forgiving myself and those that caused it.

When I started writing this blog I had no clue where exactly I was going with it, but I suppose I’ll end it here.  This is my personal thought on a matter that I’ve ignored for years…I’m not perfect and I’m so happy that I’m not because I’d be a boring, square, piece of shit. *awkward silence* And that’s all I have to say about that.

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

 

I’m Fucked Up.

I’m in the library sitting two seats down from a young man who is talking to himself.  I admire him so much because he just doesn’t give a shit.  Run-on sentences of gibberish and life experiences flowing like a careless river on a steep hill on the countryside of a distant land.  I smiled to myself because if this young man were to walk over to me and interrupt my thought process and say, “Hey dread, I know you may think I’m crazy, but I ain’t got no worries,” without a doubt I would’ve looked wildly at him and simply…believed him. I started this blog with no insight as to what I’d be talking about, so I decided to talk about whatever comes to mind.  I’m fucked up.  I’m fucked up bout life and everything within me wants to keep living it, but I have my reservations…The two personalities that my zodiac describes seems to battle within me on a daily basis and it’s quite hilarious to feel the changes as they occur.  I turned 30 on June 12th and I still feel like I’m 16 years old.  My lil sis and I have this joke that we’ve been running for years going back and forth about when we’re going to start feeling like adults. Lol I’m always like, I pay bills like an adult, I make my own decisions, I’m responsible and gunning to achieve my goals, but I don’t know what it feels like to be an adult.  Am I not serious enough? How will I know?

I don’t want life to pass me by while I’m still trying to figure out how to live it.  I’m breathing, I’m laughing, I’m writing, thinking, driving, eating, sleeping, working, and…something’s missing.  Things got a lil easier in my life when I stopped being so critical about everything but I still have my days.  I dropped all the dead weight and was left with clear skies, lonely nights, and a hopeful horizon of dreams…I don’t put tabs on situations that seem familiar anymore because that would make me judgmental, but I’m still skeptical…it’s only right.  I used to say life ain’t easy, but it wasn’t life that was giving me a hard time…it was me…my own mind kept me captive.  I blame Barney & Friends for planting seeds in my little intellect to have a vast imagination when I was a youngin.’ LOL I really took that to heart.

On my 30th birthday I made a pact to myself to treat me better…that’s it. I’m fucked up…fucked up about life and all I want to do is continue living…how will I know if I’m living? When I know longer have to ask anymore I suppose…Love and light…

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

That’s Some Selfish Shit.

I told him I was lacking inspiration. I had nothing to write about even though I had everything to write about.  Nothing in my mind was good enough to be put on paper because I wasn’t satisfied with my life.  I was unsettled and ungrateful.  Here I was overlooking the beautiful transformation that I asked my creator for because it wasn’t wrapped in a pretty package.  I was taking my own life for granted because it wasn’t bestowed on me in the way that I ordered it. And if it were given to me in that manner I wouldn’t be living it at all…I’d still be taking it for granted.  My inspiration is my hardship and in the bellow of everything that I don’t understand right away.

I looked myself in the mirror trying to figure out what in the hell am I supposed to be doing? Writing pissed me off, not writing pissed me off, people pissed me off, and I pissed me off for being pissed off in the 1st place.  I was annoyed with life because I was annoyed with me for not knowing what to do.  The woman with all the answers for everyone else couldn’t find one answer for herself.  Indecisive. Undecided because no answer was good enough for me so doing nothing seemed like the easiest thing to do…which worked out to be most spiritually fatal… doing nothing.  That’s some selfish shit. Forgetting myself because I didn’t know what to do with myself lol and in turn I was making myself miserable.  Change requires a whole lot of soul searching and self realization.  It requires facing the facts…aka facing the truth.

Inspiration is in everything…it’s in the melody of my 7am alarm entitled, “Live Life Cherokee!” It’s within the awkward silence of a much needed conversation between two strangers, within the hazy fog of weed smoke exhaled by a tight knit of homies on a Sunday morning, within a shrilling cry for help to the creator for deliverance, within the 6th bar of the 2nd verse to a song with no chorus, within the front row of a rowdy crowd in a rundown club with no liquor license lol, within a mother’s prayer, a father’s neglect, a friend’s lack of loyalty, within a new flame, within a distant memory… It’s everywhere. 🙂

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

Let’s Chill…

I hate stop signs. They micromanage the way how I drive forcing me to comply with the law of that particular road on that particular street, as if I don’t have shyt to do. I’m working on my patience though so lately stop signs have been more therapeutic than annoying and pushy. Weird right? I know…but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone, and even if I were, it wouldn’t matter either way because it’s my honest feeling. Not only that, my therapist said I’m making hella progress, he’s the best in Chicago.  Yesterday, I pulled up to the 4-way intersection on 4th and Caliby.  I pulled up 1st, a beige Camry pulled up to the stop on my left facing West and then a black Infinity truck pulled up facing me to head South.  Usually I’d roll my eyes at the stop sign, take a deep breath, and then hope that the whips that came to their complete stops at their perspective times have responsible drivers who are familiar with the road basics to steer clear of my shyt. Then, I’d release a series of mental obscenities yelling like a crazy person with fiery, flaming eyes for the retard who pulled up 1st to quit stalling & go, lol but as usual I’m a work in progress working on my patience, so instead, I grinned to myself at the thought of how I used to be.  As I slowly pulled off to head North, I glanced over at the Infinity truck as it was passing by because it was loud and there was a lot of movement in the driver’s seat.  So as I’m staring this truck down, I’m not realizing that I’m giving a major impression that I give a damn.  I mean damn, can a sistah be curious? Anyway, my eyes locked with the driver who was belting out rap lyrics at the top of his lungs. I couldn’t make out the words, but the song was rather aggressive and he was living proof that evictions aren’t the only thing that moves people, music does too.

As I pull my glance away from him to keep going in my direction, he yells, “Beautiful!!” I smiled and kept driving. My gas tank was on E and the next gas station was a mile away. The whole way there I’m chanting, “Please don’t break down, I love you baby, I know this ain’t right not feeding you on time and I’m sorry, Please don’t break down, I’ll get you high grade this time..” Miraculously, I make it to the gas station. As I’m getting out of my vehicle I see the black Infinity pull in from the same direction that I just came from and I’m thinking to myself, “This man done turned around, I hope he ain’t checking for me, I’m not in the mood.” I wanted to pay with my card at the pump, but I didn’t want to give this man easy access to a conversation that would potentially piss him off and annoy me at the same time.  So, I briskly walked into the gas station and as the door closed slowly behind me, the man caught it. My heart sank. It’s my turn in line, so I ask for $15 on pump 3 and I leave. He comes running out behind me and says, “Hey beautiful.” I smile and say, “Hey loud mouth,” and he thought that was hilarious.  He went on to say that he saw me back at the 4-way stop and didn’t want to pass up the opportunity of possibly getting to know a cool person.  I’m usually skeptical when a man’s intellectual span is vast and sharp and his physical get-up reeks ignorant and lawless.  It gives the direct impression that he knows better but isn’t doing better, but what do I know he could be within the midst of his transition.

We talked for a little while, he inquired about my living situation, employment, if I had kids, a boyfriend and all of that. He then concludes our conversation with, “You wanna chill later?” I tell him that I’m not sure because I may have something else to do. He asks for my #, I instead take his # and told him that I’d call him if I free up.  He was a decent dude.

My experiences with men wanting to chill has been so trivial that I turned it into a game. The game is to see how far off we are? In my mind, and deep down in my heart when a man asks me to chill with him, the 1st thought that I usually get is that we’re going to vibe n get something to eat or we’re going to studio vibe if he’s into music, or we’re going to go somewhere lowkey that is NOT my or his house.  (At least not the 1st few times around). In the mind of a man, let’s chill could mean several things as well, depending on the approach and how long you’ve been talking before the 2 words are mentioned, and all kind of other shyt.  When you look at how the media portrays love to be, placing it hand-in-hand with consensual sex, making it seem as though it’s required to have a good time and to solidify loyalty, and not to mention how key rappers impose ignorant innuendos on women implying that if you ain’t fukn don’t even bother type mentality.  It causes a social rift in the opposing sexes, because now women are lowering their standards in hopes of finding love and men are jumping over that standard wall into the tight, wet, warm caress of delusional bliss all taking place while we’re just…chillin.

I’m guilty as hell for accepting mediocre company just to evade the very idea of being alone.  So I know 1st hand from my own experience what it’s like to lower your standards to accommodate fickle situations.  It’s a sign that self-love is absent. When you love yourself you put standards in place for people to abide by so they’d be aware of what it takes to secure a place in your life. They’re also in place to release people from your life in the name of your very own sanity.  It’s not you being too strict or a prick or even my least favorite word these days…a bitch.  Setting standards for yourself is a supplementary rib cage for your heart.  I love chilling…most days I spend them alone, chilling on the beach, chilling with my journal..chilling with my thoughts…chilling with a drink…my music..and I even have my days when I chill with a close friend.

 Everyone in life owns a heart…some people have been hurt and neglected so badly that the only time they feel their heart in their chest is when they’re hurting other people…because intoxicated love is all they know. Crazy ain’t it? That a person will deliberately hurt you to generate some kind of feeling of remorse within themself just to treat you better… but you wanna chill though? All I’m saying is, take the time to understand where you stand in your own life…know what you stand for.  Make sure that your happiness has a home within the things that you love and cherish already before you take an innocent opportunity…to chill.

~The Lyricist
#TRIBE

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…”

You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…strong, handsome, and serious. The minute I walk in the room, you smile so genuinely…it’s more like you’re blushing, I’m still trying to take it all in.  I love the way how you call me in the middle of the day to tell me something silly that happened to you a few moments before your call… then I tell you it’s funny that you called because I was just thinking of you…we laugh…”I gotta studio session later King & I want you to slide with me, it’s a track about love and I want to feel your energy in the booth…” As always you say, “I’ll go wherever you want me to go…pressha or mid?” I choose mid and you end the call by saying, “Love you Juliet…” and I say, “…so cliche…lol..love you too Romeo…” *call ends*

Our connection is so decent. I’d go lay on the roof of my car at 1am in the morning to stargaze, soon after you’d come out and sit on the trunk to smoke and sit in silence with me…you understand me.  You look back and say, “You hungry…?”  I sit up and say, “You hungry huh? lol Yeah I’m hungry man…”  So we get in the whip and slide…it doesn’t take much effort to do what we do, it suits us.  It’s 1:20 am & your phone rings, I glance at you slyly and snuggle under you as you steer the whip…I say, “Don’t answer it.” You look at me with a mimicking grin and we keep on sliding.  I trust you so much, you add to my happiness, and I’m not intimidated by things that don’t concern me…you know this.  You’re my best friend…you feel more like my homie than my lover and damn I love this feeling.  I doze off a little bit and then wake up in my living room with my pen and pad on  my chest…I look at the first line of the page & it reads, “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man…strong, handsome, and serious.” I lay back & smile…I know  you’re out there King…I know you are…

~The Lyricist

#TRIBE

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